Alright everyone, last week I promised to review a bad vampire movie. I was going to review Underworld, but recently heard that the Blade reboot by Disney has run into trouble. Gee, who’d have thought Disney would have trouble filming a gory vampire action/horror? So, while the House of Mouse gets its fangs in order, let’s take a look at the movie that gave us a dark, leather-clad martial arts superhero a year before the Matrix came out – Blade 1998.
For those who haven’t seen this gloriously shlocky film, Blade is a vampire/human hybrid hunting for Deacon Frost, the vampire who killed his mother and turned him into a monster. Frost, meanwhile, is the leader of the low-class “turned” vampires (who by and large dress like they just stumbled out of a rave), seeking to overthrow the snooty Anne Rice style “pureblood” vampires and take over the world rather than living in the shadows. Along for the ride is Karen, a haematologist fighting a vampire bite, and Whistler, Blade’s grizzled mentor.
I’m going to start with what the storytelling does well. The opening is short, sharp and effective, and once again I have a terrible film with a great opening. Not only is the abattoir nightclub scene genuinely disturbing, the hero’s origin, goal and strengths are all communicated without dropping a beat. The action scenes are fantastic and set the stage for the set-pieces that would make the Blade sequels stand out. The acting is variable, with Kris Kristofferson putting in a solid performance as Whistler, Stephen Dorff chewing the scenery (and various necks) as Deacon Frost, while Wesley Snipes was low-key enjoying himself as the growly, reserved Blade.
Some of the scenes are just ridiculous, like vampires wearing SPF 5000 sunblock so they can walk around during the day, or the fact that the ancient vampire temple of the purebloods was in…Los Angeles? Also, what was with the houseplant that Blade meticulously looked after then destroyed? Considering how much time the camera spent on it, I’m a little confused as to why our dark and brooding hero was glaring so intently at a frikkin’ fern.
Alright, in terms of what made this film terrible, I think we can forgive the bad CGI – it was 1998, let’s cut them some slack. I don’t have an excuse for is the crappy dialogue. Here is where the film fell down. The major character clashes, the ones that the audience is really looking forward to… fall flat. The dialogue becomes a tick box of “threaten each other and move the plot to the next scene,” when it could be something that reveals the character motivations. Frost’s whole class struggle was a lot of fun but disappeared when he spoke to Blade. As for our hero, his obsessive search for the vampire who killed his mother is resolved with all the passion and emotion of a housebrick. The fun of having a quiet, controlled hero is when they finally break down and let their passions wreak havoc.
In the final accounting, I don’t have the heart to call Blade a trainwreck, but let’s be honest, if you’re watching this film, you’re not looking for deep, subtle meditations on the mysteries of life. That’s it for now, let me know if we should go further back in time and take a fresh look at The Lost Boys!
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