Alright, buckle up, people. I’ve reviewed a lot of bad movies over the last few years. Mac and Me. Johnny Mnemonic. Krull. They were just the warm up. There exists a movie so terrible that it’s name is still whispered in dread through the gilded halls of Hollywood.
Cutthroat. Frikkin. Island.
This 1995 pirate movie flopped so badly that is still remains one of the biggest money pits in movie history. Almost 30 years later, it’s time to dust it off and see if it truly was that bad.
Yep. It was.
Where do I begin? Have you ever wanted to see a film in which the heroine runs around waving the bloody scalp of her father? A film where moray eels are used are torture instruments? Where the main love interests start getting hot and heavy while undergoing abdominal surgery without anaesthetic?
No? Tough, we’re talking about it anyway.
The plot follows Captain Morgan Adams, a pirate trying to find a lost Spanish treasure. The map to this size has been split into three parts; a cloth, a carved piece of barrel, and the tattooed scalp of Morgan’s father. Hoping to get to the treasure first are Morgan’s evil uncle, “Mad Dog” Adams; the corrupt governor of Jamaica; and the more mutinous members of Morgan’s crew. Thrown into the mix is an escaped con artist William Shaw, who appears to be the only person actually enjoying themselves in this endeavour.
The character of Morgan is the biggest stumbling block for this film. Geena Davis was wasted on a character who is dour, serious, and worst of all – boring. Goddammit, this is a pirate movie! Swashbuckle a bit! Give us some bawdy, rowdy charisma! Morgan never seems to get the opportunity to do more than direct events, usually in a growl. I still have no idea why she wants the treasure, or what motivates her at all, apart from the fact that she’s a pirate and wants the gold. Is she distraught over her now-scalped father? Eager to prove herself as a leader in the male-dominated world of piracy? Or does she just yearn for adventure? No clue, the plot never lets us know.
The dialogue isn’t much better. This is a film where the main characters snarl threats at each other and not much else. While the gentlemanly Shaw gets most of the fun lines, the only line that really stick out to me right after watching was when Morgan shoots a cannon at her uncle, echoing the immortal phrase “Bad Dog!” Yes, someone actually wrote that. Then someone else was forced to film it.
Apart from that, a lot of the set pieces make absolutely no sense, including the low-speed pursuit through Port Royal, where the dashing getaway is hampered by the fact that they couldn’t get the horses above more than a trot. Another is the secret treasure island that looks tiny when you first see it then is apparently large enough to hold horizons of jungles, plains, cliffs and caves, and my personal favourite, the fact that everything is apparently made of explosives. No, seriously. A fishmonger in Tortuga? Filled to the brim with gunpowder. A falling chandelier? Hits with the power of C4. When Mad Dog’s ship finally explodes, it has the power of a nuclear goddamn fireball, vaporising everything except our two heroes, the wooden treasure chests, and a barrel apparently made out of some type of adamantium.
Cutthroat Island lost about $200 million, adjusted for inflation. While you can point out that it was competing with Toy Story, Goldeneye, and Se7en, this film was also beaten by Showgirls, Free Willy 2, and Mortal Kombat. Yes, that Mortal Kombat movie. Take a second and let that sink in.
But! Yes, there is a but… If you look at the a number of elements in the film; the Spanish treasure hidden in an island cave, the escape from Port Royal, the good versus evil pirate lords – and even that goddamn little monkey – it feels like Cutthroat Island laid a lot of groundwork for Pirates of the Caribbean, which came out a few years later. So credit where credit is due.
Drink up, me hearties yo ho…!
That’s it from me, Loved this film? Hated it? Let me know in the comments below!
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